Most people describe two main phases of their ibogaine experience. Phase one is generally the most intensive part, often called the visionary phase, and can last anywhere from 4-6 hours. In this phase, someone can experience visions, images, memories, premonitions, insights, sounds, kinesthetic sensations, and stimuli outside their normal experience. The second phase is considered more introspective and can last 6-8 hours. In this next phase, one will start processing what was just experienced and will be more open to deeper contemplation, creative ideation, enhanced recall, and a greater ability to connect the dots. It can feel like a reconnection back to source or self. I did not have the beautiful, vision-filled, delightful phase one that many others have experienced on ibogaine. Mine was full of grit and discomfort. The one relief with an ibogaine experience is that when you feel overwhelmed or like you are losing control, you can take off the eye mask and headphones to come back into reality however momentarily. I did that frequently for relief when I wasn’t trying to ground my shaking body. I did sense that ibogaine was trying to show me how much pain, trauma, and anxiety I keep in my body each day. It felt like it was asking me if I wanted to keep living like that. I sensed it was showing me just how much darker and harder it could be. Now, in retrospect A LOT of that experience makes sense but it wasn’t clear at the time.

Another observation is how much time appears to slow down during the journey. I kept asking Cinthia what time it was expecting her, each time, to tell me hours had passed. Nope. Instead, it went something like this “What time is it?” and Cinthia would say “9am” and I would again ask “What time is it?” and she would say “9:45am”. This went on all day.  Poor Cinthia. I was that annoying child in the back seat asking how much longer until we get there about every 45 minutes for several hours. It made me realize just how distorted my perception of my time is and how much time I do have. Whereas, my usual MO is feeling like I never have enough. It’s never an actual lack of time. It’s my own impatience. My desire to remain stuck in the past or dive into the future without ever having to experience the stillness of the present. Another diversion or numbness tactic to resist feeling and being.

After what seemed like an eternity, my body relaxed and slowed its convulsing. In actuality, it was only about 2 hours but, again, I had no real concept of time. The fear, paranoia, and sensory overstimulation mostly subsided. I felt a release of fear and a return to a sense of safety as I realized I made it through the most challenging part. A calm and connection began to envelop me. It wasn’t a powerful feeling. It was like that feeling of calm after a storm. I learned in my preparation guides to lean into that connection and so I began to ask questions and search for understanding. The “source” energy felt very grandfatherly to me. It was direct and rational. When I asked how I could feel better in my body it told me to take better care of my body. When I asked how to be more loving to myself it said to love myself more. If I felt disconnected then I should spend more time with myself. If I don’t enjoy certain relationships then I don’t need to continue spending time with those individuals. Pretty straightforward, right? It’s funny because it’s not always these huge revelations that we require but, in fact, many times we already know the answers. The connection I experienced wasn’t an actual spoken voice but rather something I was hearing in my head with feelings or images to accompany the statements. It was like a conversation with another more enlightened, less bullshit version of me. You know that friend that always tells you the truth instead of buttering it up for you.

I continued in this very introspective state for another few hours. I still felt incredibly high but it was manageable. Erika, the on-site therapeutic coach popped into the treatment room in the afternoon to check on me. Erika is also a ceremonial iboga specialist trained directly by the Bwiti in Gabon. Erika was one of my favorite people at Beond which is saying a ton because I thought everyone was incredible. She provides so much valuable insight, guidance, and support to help guests prepare, process, and integrate the experience. Like a beacon of light, she helps you find your way when it gets a bit cloudy. She hung out with me in the room for a couple of hours talking about my experience and my take-aways. I probably talked about a bunch of other existential nonsense because I was flying high but I don’t even remember what we talked about. I just felt incredibly grateful to have had her company and that of my nurse in the room.

I started to get stir-crazy by late afternoon and was eager to be released from the treatment room. After being annoying and asking several times, I received clearance from the doctor, I left the treatment room around 5pm but I was kept in an overnight recovery-type room at the white house for continued monitoring until the next morning. I ate dinner and chatted with a couple of other guests. Alone, afterward, a gnawing feeling began to take hold of me and I started to question the whole experience. Why hadn’t I had that “beautiful, dreamlike, visionary experience that so many of the guests had spoken to me about? Why had nobody mentioned the physical discomfort? Did that not happen to anyone else? Did I have a bad reaction? Or maybe I hadn’t received the correct dosage. The obsession and fear of having missed something were intense. The preparation guide says the “process of rumination and fixation on certain topics can be seen as part of the mental, emotional, and physical detoxification”.  Well then, I was detoxifying hardcore. I knew I was overanalyzing and obsessing, as was my default mental programming, but I couldn’t stop myself. I tried to get some sleep to re-evaluate in the morning with a clearer head.

Making it back to my room in the morning, I had a bit of time to reflect upon and journal about my experience. Several messages were clear. I was living in constant fear that things wouldn’t work out the “right” way. I was also highly focused on the future instead of experiencing the present. Rather than validating my own experiences, I was continuously seeking external validation and approval from others. However, I could not figure out the message associated with the intense shaking and discomfort. I saw my in-room nurse, Cinthia, that afternoon and we chatted about the fear and intense shaking I experienced. She asked me what I was so afraid and I replied that I had been terrified of having a seizure while under the influence of ibogaine. She then asked me if I had ever had a seizure and I replied that I did, back when I was 23, and that it was a very long time ago. She then said something that completely changed my journey at Beond. She replied, “The body keeps score”. And with just that statement, everything made sense at that very moment. It felt like the puzzle pieces in constant motion the last 24 hours settled into their places. I recalled that the seizure had felt exactly like what I felt in the room with my hands and head shaking. I recognized, that although many years in my past, the intense trauma I had experienced with the seizure had stayed stuck in my body all this time. I immediately felt a huge release from my body and a lightness I had not felt in years.

Most guests receive two booster doses of Ibogaine following the flood dose during their time at Beond. The first booster is received approximately the second day following the flood. The preparation and set-up are similar to the flood dose, however, the booster doses are less in quantity and last only two hours. I entered my initial booster with trepidation and hope. I was very concerned about having a physically uncomfortable experience again but I also felt better prepared now that I had familiarity with what to expect. Fortunately, the booster experience was more pleasant. I felt happiness and joy. I realized that there was no grand “purpose” for my life that I needed to uncover. My purpose in this life is to get up and try to be the best version of myself every day. And, on the days that maybe I wasn’t so great, to be kind and compassionate to myself. I realized that I was making my life more complicated than it had to be and that life was meant to be easy if I just trusted and allowed all to simply flow. I have a choice, every day, to wake up happy, grateful, and magnificent. I understood how important it was to stay connected to my body by moving, stretching, and breathing. The trauma that had built in my body had done so because of rigidity and stuckness. To ensure, that it didn’t build up again so greatly it was important to keep moving energy through my body. Not moving enough was contributing to my resistance. Lastly, I had a notion to incorporate things that I loved as a child back into my life such as baking, dance, and art.

I left my booster incredibly relieved to have had a more pleasant experience. I basked in the beauty and clarity of that session for several hours throughout the day.  However, and there always seems to be a “however” with me, I could not shake the feeling that there was something more to be experienced. Yes, I had a beautiful session with a connection and lessons that I needed reminding of. It felt like I was still not complete with the ibogaine. I was confused about how to keep releasing the trauma from my body that had been stuck through the years. I felt it was trying to show me something, during that initial dose, and I hadn’t made the complete connection. That evening, I had the loveliest chat with Erika about this sense of incompletion and my deep-rooted fear and resistance during my flood dose and even during my first booster. We talked about how, now that I had gotten to a level of comfort and familiarity with the process, I might be able to use the final booster to step into the driver’s seat and go back through my memories to reprogram, reparent, and to release the traumatic memories through breathing and tapping.  This is work I have extensive experience with over the past several years and I knew how I could navigate through that ride. We scheduled a final booster for the next morning and I spent the rest of the evening deep in thought and preparation for my last journey with the Ibogaine.

I entered that final booster primed and raring to go. I finally just threw my hands up and surrendered. I no longer feared the shaking. I no longer cared about having some otherworldly experience that I could boast about. If nothing happened in the final session then that was OK. I had gotten what I needed during my stay at Beond and that was enough for me. Then, there in that moment of final surrender, is when the magic occurred. Time dissolved as I delved into the recesses of my psyche, confronting fears, traumas, and buried emotions with unwavering clarity and compassion. I found myself revisiting pivotal moments of my life, unraveling the threads of past experiences, and gaining a newfound understanding of the roots of my anxiety and depression. With each revelation came a sense of release, a shedding of old burdens, and the emergence of a newfound sense of freedom and clarity. I began to revisit pivotal, and mostly distressing moments from my past starting with my birth, through childhood, and up to adulthood. I adapted my parents to be what I needed in those more challenging times. They became more supportive, available, nurturing, and loving. My mother talked to me and consoled me when I needed it. She made me feel safe by letting me know it would be ok and that I would always thrive. I began to feel seen, heard, and loved. I saw myself regaining confidence, joy, and self-love in those moments in which they had diminished.

With each memory that arose, I took deep inhales and breathed or tapped out the trauma and emotion stuck in my body. I brought myself back into my body in those moments that I had begun exiting it as a child. I reprogrammed events to give myself the memories I had hoped to have at that time. I forgave those who perhaps unintentionally contributed to my sadness or didn’t know I was struggling. I hid it well. Or I thought it was normal to feel that way. Most importantly, I forgave myself for how I contributed to my detachment and pain. I released decades of shame and fear that had calcified in my limbs. I felt free for the first time in a very long time. I did this releasing and healing work for what felt like several hours. I remember thinking, I hope I haven’t screwed up anyone else’s booster schedule by staying in here for so long. I opened my eyes and asked my nurse what time it was. She told me I still had twenty minutes left. I had only been in the treatment room for 1.5 hours and not the several hours I had imagined. The glow is real after you finish all of your doses. I couldn’t stop smiling for days either. Yes, I was probably still a little high from the ibogaine but there was an inherent joyfulness reprogrammed into my body. A homecoming with myself.  A new, free me filled with gratitude for this experience. 

The entire staff at Beond feels like family by the end of your stay. I can honestly say I have never seen a group of individuals truly working and living their purpose together. Coming from a background in corporate HR I was astounded by this group of people that Tom and Talia had brought together. You feel kindness and concern from everyone on staff from the doctors to the nurses to bodyworkers to the houseworkers. Everyone who works at Beond is rooting for every single person that walks through the door and it is deeply felt. You experience not only your transformation but the transformations of everyone else around you. For the goodbye ceremony, the entire team gathers around you in the main living space, while blasting “This is Me” and proceeds to applaud you while you tearfully give everyone your thank you and hug goodbye. I can never ever listen to that song again without hysterically crying good tears. You witness the ceremony beforehand as other guests leave but you don’t understand the magnitude of beauty and gratitude you experience in that moment until it’s your turn.

The first few weeks upon returning home I felt significantly different both emotionally and physically. I had a renewed focus. My perception of time had been altered. Many tasks that felt so onerous before felt less tedious. Things like washing the dishes or preparing my dog’s food used to feel heavy. I was constantly overwhelmed with a never-ending to-do list. I still had things to do but it was less burdensome and time-consuming. Life felt more manageable. I was less rigid and more dialed down. I was less annoyed by the little things like altered plans or things not going as I had imagined. I was more trusting in the universe and had a deeper belief that everything was working out just as it should. I was less triggered by relationships that used to easily agitate me.  My body felt lighter and I still felt connected to the source I had experienced during my doses. I was smiling more. It was easier for me to have fun instead of stressing about the future.  There was still a voice in my head but it was way dimmer. Instead of being in the same room as me, it had been relegated to the attic. I laughed so much easier. I was enjoying myself more. I remembered that my purpose was to be me by showing up and committing to being the best version I could be every day. And when I did have less-than-perfect days, I also remembered to give myself kindness and compassion.

Reflecting on my Ibogaine retreat, I am filled with gratitude for the opportunity to embark on such a profound journey of healing and self-discovery. While this path to wellness may be fraught with challenges and uncertainties, I am reminded that within each of us lies the power to heal, transcend, and reclaim our innate sense of wholeness and vitality. But remember, ibogaine isn't a magic cure, and it can be dangerous if not used carefully with medical supervision. Make sure you do your own research and choose somewhere run by experts with extensive experience administering Ibogaine in a clinical therapeutic setting that ensures there is medical staff present to keep you safe and that you are given the proper tools to prepare and integrate your learnings.

Want to learn more about ibogaine and the programs offered at Beond? Be sure to head over to their site for all the details and to schedule a call with one of their staff members.