Letting Go

This morning I woke up with a voice in my head telling me to “just let go”.  I had a pretty rough night at sleep with what felt like a million thoughts running through my head.  It was essentially an all-night half-asleep panic attack. I’m currently at a job that’s completely overwhelming and mentally exhausting. It seems like I’m a captive to my laptop.  I’m trying to stay both physically and mentally fit with daily streaming workouts, meditation, journaling, workshops, and healthy meals.  I’m also trying to work my passion side hustle; this blog about working women trying to manage their careers, wellness, and woo-woo.  I’m not doing a very good job at it myself at the moment.  It feels like I’m crumbling under the weight of it all. I’m sure any stress I would normally be having is being magnified by millions because, hey, we just be trying to survive the pandemic as well. 

I saw an Instagram story from someone thriving under quarantine and she had found that what worked best for her was focusing on doing only those things that brought her joy.  I found it both so inspiring and terrifying at the same time.  What is one to do if eight hours of your day is currently spent doing something that doesn’t bring you “joy”?  What if, furthermore, the entire world is under a pandemic, jobs are scarce and you feel bad about feeling miserable because you’re earning money when many others are currently not?

I’ve spent so many of the last weeks feeling like this is happening to me.  This is terrifying for someone who feels like they need to be in control at all times.  I need to understand why something is happening and how it can be fixed.  I’m a process type of gal.  Show me the problem and I’ll analyze the possible outcomes.  Right now, though, COVID-19 and quarantine life is not fixable… at least not by me. 

It also doesn’t help when you see so many others “thriving” during quarantine on social media.  Don’t get me wrong. It’s infinitely inspiring to see all the beautiful work and self-discovery that many friends and people I follow have undergone since we went into quarantine.  I mean I have seen people completely transform and give birth to creative ideas and pursuits that have long been germinating within them.  But….then there’s me and that nagging anxiety questioning why haven’t I bloomed during quarantine or when will I begin to thrive. Writing here now it is almost laughable that I want to know why I am not thriving when the world in is a massive lockdown, the first of its kind, where thousands of people dying daily and fear is a misty fog clouding the air we breathe. Can we say unrealistic self-imposed expectations, please?

The way I’ve been trying to overcompensate for the lack of control over my job and the world situation is by bingeing on all of the free workshops that are so generously being put out by the many healers and teachers graciously holding space for us.  I have signed up for it all…reading your Akashic records, healing inner child, breath-work, Ayurveda for the soul, building rituals, how to launch a podcast, biohacking mindset, and the list goes on and on and on.  I have officially cracked out on online courses and webinars.  I truly feel like an addict. There has been this nagging feeling that I must come out of this quarantine a better human and if I do not I have somehow failed.  Failed who? I don’t even know.  

Today, I decide to just let go.  I surrender to the job that is not for me just for right now.  I will get back to a position that I feel aligned with. I welcome the salary to spend on paying my bills and allowing me to purchase items and experiences that do bring me joy.  I surrender to the fact that I cannot physically or mentally take all the workshops that come through my inbox or my Instagram.  I accept that I can pick and choose what I’d like to learn for the day or week and bookmark other topics for a future time.  I let go of the self-judgment that I must “thrive” in quarantine.  For right now my goal is to survive with grace and self-compassion.  More than anything I’ve realized I have the right to choose my own experience and to let go of of comparison.  I choose to keep my head above water while waiting for the storm to pass and the sun to shine over me once again.