Love in a Time of Pandemic with Love, Amy

Most women will agree that dating during this time of pandemic is even more awkward and tedious than dating pre-covid which, let’s be honest, was already not loads of fun to begin with. Of course, there are those rare women who think dating is so fun but, then again, there are women who enjoy bikini waxes as well.  Now that we’ve added a global pandemic to the mix, we’re meeting suitors and communicating almost entirely online and through our phones.  Swiping and texting seem enjoyable, even addicting, at first but in actuality, it gives us room to judge suitors based on photos and credentials, project what may not be there, or even ghost and reject potential suitors at the slightest bit of disappointment. Apps and online dating have provided us with a never-ending pool of suitors from all over the world but, yet, we find ourselves lonelier and more dejected than ever.  

Amy Nobile is the woman behind Love, Amy, a dating concierge service that helps people find love on dating apps.  Amy is a best-selling, Oprah featured co-author of four books, all designed to empower and inspire women at various stages of their lives. As a woman who knows the very real challenges of online dating herself, Amy met the man of her dreams online after splitting with her husband of 20 years.  She had friends, however, who weren’t having the same experiences and who were struggling to click with people. She started experimenting with writing text messages on their behalf.  She found she had a knack for taking on people’s voices.  Love, Amy was born of a real desire to provide the kind of guidance many women found lacking upon entering the online dating world.  Her company helps clients find matches and set up dates, taking over the initial back-and-forth messaging (with clients looking over her shoulder.) She hands everything over once dates are set. The best part is that she teaches her clients her successful process so that they can take over the reins confidently over time.  

 Q & A with Amy Nobile of Love, Amy

In your opinion, are there any positives that we should consider in dating during a pandemic?

Yes!  There are a few.  The pandemic has forced people to slow the process down and get to know one another.  I have a client in Boston who’s been dating someone for 6 weeks, exclusively via Facetime and “walk and talk” dates while wearing masks.  It’s been fascinating watching these two form a deep connection as they ask each other more intimate questions.  I’m coaching differently now since we have more time to connect on an emotional level before anything gets physical. The questions are more around “What emotional wounds are you carrying from your last relationship?” and “What are the non-negotiables in your next relationship?”

What do you find is holding most women back from finding love online?

I think it’s the same for anyone dating whether it be on or offline.  The common thread I see over and over is this: People aren’t giving themselves permission to be fully loved and cherished.  If they don’t feel worthy of love then how can they give all of themselves to someone?  So I help them first identify what their biggest fears are about finding and keeping love and where that fear stems from. Only then can we begin the outward journey.   

How can we be direct and to the point on our profile so that we invite high-quality, wonderful matches?

Great question!  I’m a big fan of teasing out our quirks and unique qualities/likes/skills.  For instance, one NYC client is a super successful lawyer and looks very professional and polished but is hilarious. I found this out after asking what habits she has that her friends tease her about.  Turns out she travels with her blender because she’s obsessed with making smoothies.  Once we re-engineered her profile to showcase her humor and wit, we started attracting men who matched her more holistically.

How do you work with mindset to help make someone become more open and receptive?

Actually, the number one predictor of success in online dating is an open, positive mindset.  A blind faith that YES my person is out there on the other side of this.  I assess that in my intro call with someone.  I say no a fair amount of time if I feel that the person isn’t open to this process.

How can one tell the difference between not being into someone versus being closed off to possibility?

This is huge. If someone is blocked, and just can’t imagine finding the love of their life this way, they will come up with a million excuses as to why no one isn’t right.  We are also super conditioned to have a “type” so I work with clients on pinpointing the core values they want, from the inside out.  Nine times out of ten, he or she isn’t going to come in the package you’re expecting.  Again, having an open mind is key.

What are the types of questions we should be asking to get a sense of who these matches really are?

I give my clients questions to ask on dates.  On the first couple of dates, the questions are geared towards slowly peeling back the onion. For example, “What was your last relationship like and why did it end?” or “If your ex was sitting next to me right now, what would he or she say are your best and most challenging qualities?”

What are your thoughts on when a match is not reciprocating in the conversation or asking you any questions?

This is a red flag for sure.  If someone checks all the boxes otherwise, I’ll give them a pass and see what date two looks like.  But I have a whole “Grownup Readiness Checklist” that I share with clients.  One thing we look for is consistency in communication such as daily texting and, also, a curiosity about us.  If that’s not there. then, ultimately, it’s not going to be a fulfilling partnership.

What are three things that any woman can do today to increase her chances of finding love online?

1)   It’s really a numbers game!  If we want to go on 2 new dates per week, then to reverse engineer it, you’ve got to be sending 20-25 messages to new people every single day, which will result in 1-2 conversations. 

2)   Get new photos taken.  We’ve got about 4 seconds to make an impression on the apps.  I advise clients to get new photos about 90% of the time.

3)   Be proactive.  This is about finding and standing in your power.  This isn’t about being “chosen”. Know what you’re looking for, reach out, be engaging and warm, and move on quickly once you discern whether this person is a “grownup” or not.